By Michael “Dangerous” Davies
As I’ve never written the minutes, or whatever they are for the Bash, forgive me if I make a hash of it. See what I did there? Hash of it…. yeah. OK I’ll get me coat.
Look, if you want me to do this then you’ll have to get used to sh*t gags like that. I tell it like it is. If I think it’s sh*t then I will say it’s sh*t, simple really.
OK, so it was my last Bash, and this is my first set of minutes, nothing to lose I guess, so I can swear and curse all I want, right? No one will come and kill me in my sleep for offending, or I will just change my name to something like hmmmm let’s see, Dave Chap Malloy. Yes I like that, Mr Chap Malloy. I could change my profession too, maybe I will be a secret agent - Je m’appelle Monsieur Chap Malloy je suis un agent secret - I’ll have a pint of beer thanks very much, no need to shake it.
And so to the task in hand, the minutes or was it hours maybe even days, endless days of riding. Well unfortunately it was about 2hrs 45mins of riding, and all of it fine and dry. I Have to say it was definitely Bash of the year so far, and I’m not saying that because Olivier “Panzer” Falcoz, Scott “Two Dogs F*cking” Roberts and Winston Loo are my mates or because they are big and may beat me up if I say it was sh*t, I genuinely thought is was a top Bash.
Loads of open trails, some awesome descents with plenty of room to let the bike run freely and flow over the terrain. The ascents where not too abrupt and mostly ridable and just long enough to make you feel like you were making an effort without killing you.
So there we are, the minutes, what a lovely morning of riding, aren’t we all so very happy, what a wonderful time, jolly boys and girls after a great morning of bashing, slaps on the back and well done everybody.
Boll*cks, no way, they don’t call me Dangerous for nowt. I must be able to say something a bit more controversial. Let’s try this again.
Well you’ve probably guessed by now that I can’t remember f**k all about the ride, yep it’s just a blur compounded by the fact that I had at least 3 beers at the end of the ride, for re-hydration purposes of course. Ah the bash piss what would we do without it? Yes the main points I remember about the ride is riding behind the ladies with nice bums. We are blessed with some ladies with nice bums on the Bash aren’t we? I mean that as a compliment of course - you’re good riders too… OK I’ll get me coat, again!
OK I told a lie, I do remember something about the Bash, I remember Scott Roberts shouting his head off at the briefing, whatever you do don’t give that man a megaphone. “Can you all hear me?” - yes Scott they can hear you in f**king KL mate. And your swearing, brilliant, the kids were all sniggering at the back, with parents putting hands over ears. Best briefing ever.
So far we have - Bash of the year, nice *sses and best briefing ever, let’s see what other accolades this bash can chalk up. What about the paper, yes there was paper and it was square for the short and shredded for the long with occasional cross cut, or was it cross cut with occasional shredded. Either way wasn’t the paper wonderful and so very white and paper like. I managed to find paper all the way, I guess that’s why I managed to finish, yes this bash did exactly what it said on the tin.
What about the checks? I haven’t got a frickin’ clue who broke the checks and frankly I don’t give a monkey’s uncle, it was probably one of the FRBs and one of the usual suspects. Well done whoever you were, but I would be more impressed if you drank the Bash Piss dry at the end.
Which brings me neatly to what the Bash is all about - yep the end of year piss up…. I for one am mightily pissed off that I probably won’t be able to make it to this year’s piss up. Last year’s piss up was a blinder and I think it will go down in KLMBH history. A swimming pool… genius, Shiney, Winston and Gang you all deserve a medal. I am confident that this year’s Committee, under the awesome leadership of the Cap’n - Captain w@nker that is - will do just as good a job.
Captain w@nker & Gang
What to talk about next? Ah yes Bash #223, I suppose we should talk some more about that. I was fortunate enough to catch up with most of my mates on the ride, it makes a Bash a proper social event when you see all your mates. I will miss the camaraderie, it has been an absolute pleasure riding with each and everyone of you. I remember my first Bash - when I say remember I actually mean I can’t remember a bloody thing, too much beer you see. But it was at Tasik Puteri about 5 years ago, and I did meet my good friend Phil “Cajun” Manfield there, who later became the best man at my wedding. So, although I can’t write a set of minutes for a Bash, what I can do is say is being part of the KLMBH for the last five years has been, what are the words I am looking for here, f**king awesome. You’re all great people, I’ve loved every moment of riding with you all, and I will never remember any of it.
I think I will end with a bit of advice. What we have here in the KLMBH is quite unique. Look around you, see all those mountains covered in rain forest, you don’t get that in many places around the world. And in the places that you do get rain forest, it is usually bloody difficult to access. We have access on our door step, beautiful tropical rain forest on our door step, and we ride our mountain bikes in it every weekend. Amazing right? We love what we do don’t we? Well take it to the next level, get involved, if you’ve never set a bash then get out there and do it, explore. Unless you’ve had your head in the sand for the last 10 years you must have heard of The Plight Of Bukit Kiara. Seriously we can’t let that land turn into a concrete jungle. I’m sure it won’t, but what will happen is it will shrink, and then shrink some more and then eventually turn into some landscaped city park, that will be such a shame. So let your voice be heard, enjoy Bukit Kiara and make sure you take part in the preservation, it won’t look after itself.
Bukit Kiara is being destroyed
Finally as a last ditched attempt to try and redeem these minutes and write something sensible about the ride I called my mates, biggest mistake I’ve ever made on a Wednesday morning. “I can’t remember f**k all about the Bash, help me out here”.
Here’s the list of replies I received:
There we go the Bash has spoken.
Take good care all of you
p/s. Now where to get my name changed?
By Ralf Maurer
After Ali Budiman this is only my second Bash and there is still a lot for me to learn….
In Ali Budiman I learned that you actually can go off paper, if an experienced Basher with the newest Garmin tells you to do so. Note, you should have a GPS yourself though, because he may only get it to 90% right.
Back to the short ride of Hulu Yam though and my learnings today.
Oh, and by the way, mossy slippery stones stay slippery (and mossy) weather you are on your bike or walking (the second may be notably safer though).
Riding with my kids all the FRBs (see the KLMBH website for translation) overtook us right at the start, but soon we caught up with some of them again: flat tire! It looked very old and you could see the threads coming out almost like Alonso’s tires after the race…. Well, good preparation is half the Bash, I thought to myself! (sorry mate, but you know you should have changed that tire before the Bash!). Then two more guys with a flat tire, but these guys were rather well prepared and had all the gears (very well actually, see later).
Soon the first river crossing came and my two boys had to show two nice ladies how to get across (proud they were). Then the second climb approached (yeah, there are no mountains and it’s all flat! Go back to learning No. 1) and walking down the hill came another unlucky guy with a broken derailleur hanger… Bash over, luckily it was not too far to go back!
Mike Kwan , Toh Hoon Chew and the derailleur
Just when we thought we were on the top, it got quite steep once more and at that moment the two guys with flat tire were about to overtake us again, when one of their derailleur hanger broke!! I was just about to take out my cable tie when the guy actually produced a spare hanger!! Well, good preparation is half the Bash, I thought to myself! Well done mate and I hope you finished that bash without any more breakdowns. Although I am sure you would have had the right gear to get you out of that as well.
After a short flat ride, a nice downhill started. I somewhat pitied my little boys on their 20 and 24 inch wheels in all those loose rocks, but they did fairly well. Maybe these two French girls also motivated them to ride just a little bit harder.
The kids were not convinced of the next river crossing though, because there was no way to ride through it: is this really the way Daddy? Well it was and by the time we reached home and we told Mummy about it, it was a big stream and the water reached above the knees and I think there were even some crocodiles…. And we also helped a guy with a Swiss shirt - Mile Phoon - (hey, I should wear this!) and his kid in a trailer to cross the river. Ah yes, and then we had to throw some stones in that river as well, while our Dads brought the bikes across.
Thanks to Olivier Falcoz we also went in our second Bash off paper again (I start to think this guy may actually be bad influence, can anyone confirm/contradict?)!! But those hot spring pools were definitely worth the D-tour (thanks Olivier!). While we were there the guys form the long ride passed and I was most impressed with one guy in his slippers. Well at least he had his helmet, and there is no rule about no slippers! But then again: good preparation is half the Bash!
The rest of the ride was a breeze, nicely flat and my boys were flying after they had some pieces of Powerbar.
A big thank you to the Hares that have been out there more than half a dozen times to prepare this Bash! A truly enjoyable ride today and the paper was laid to perfection and all the cows were kept from eating it!!
By Chris Khoo aka The BashPiss
Left home at 7.00am in the morning and decided to follow the GPS which led me to Batu Arang instead of Bandar Tasik Puteri! Anyway, managed to find my way there, loaded all the drinks and Ice into eskies and let king Olivier keep it as he’d decided on riding the kiddie loop specially made for him; or did I hear that wrong…
Back to the topic, after the briefing, it was On On on the road to the mosque, had to cross the road to an off road section which led us to the mosque where I THINK, was our first check. Check Check and after few minutes, it was On On on the road again at the other side of the mosque where it lead us on the road to the Showroom Houses up a hill and down to the left.
Followed paper which led to a hill to the left which also led us back in a loop. 2nd check? No idea… Check Check and went in at least 3 loops, and after 15 minutes of checking, heard On On on the other side of the estate.
*Note To Riders: Guys, when you break a check, please relay paper backwards, thank you !
With no idea how to get across to the other side, me and Scott made our own route which led the pack across and into barb wires.
From there it was On On up a small hill and into a slight fast but very loose downhill section and cannot remember much from then on. Hares did mention no falsie and only 3 checks, but looks like almost everything was a check as paper was laid too far apart.
Can’t remember much of what happened in between. After roughly 10km of going down hills and climbing the Bukit Dua Beradik and riding more road, we ended up at Batu Arang Town where most of the pack stopped for a much needed break from the scorching heat.
After a short stop, met up with a couple of zero2hero members and we headed off on the long which was a road ride of about 3-5km before a bike and hike section. So being the gentleman that I am - which is rare to find these days… - I climbed up first and put my bike aside and my members attempted to climb with their bikes, however, kept slipping due to the weight of the bike and the loose gravel. So I stopped to help carry bikes up while people climbed and a bunch of rude and impatient riders started shouting in mandarin “Don’t know how to climb, move aside and let other people go first la!”
Let me state this as a reminder, this is not a freaking race !
After that scene, it was a short climb up which led to an open area which went down to an open field. Was that a check too? Not sure but couldn’t find out way around. So checking I went over the hills and under the trees and finally someone shouted On On behind the tree line on the right. So On On it was right till a short bike and hike section, which lead to a grassy but open downhill section.
Next up after a short single track section was a very loose gravel downhill section where many people found hard to handle. This was the very same place where one of my members went over her handlebars because she went out of control on the descent. However after a short break and bandaging, we bravely went on to the right which lead to a few short climbs in the oil palm estate.
Once I thought I was on top of a plateau, I decided to help this man out as he looked like he wasn’t going to survive as he looked faintish and ran out of water. Gave him 90% of what was left in my Hydrapak and had to leave the pack behind because of my duties to rehydrate the dehydrated back at base camp.
So from then on, on my meter I clocked 22km, so in my mind, OK this is going to be downhill and road all the way. And so I was wrong, it was a climb, then a downhill then road. The heat was really killing me, riding on the open climbs and on road really made me worry if I had enough water to survive and make it back. So I floored it on the road and looking at a stretch of covered road made me slightly more positive of my chance of survival. However, we got diverted to ride where the cows roamed. Across a stream and up another open hill it was, already burning and running out of water, my breath became hotter every time I exhaled.
On on, stop thinking negative and ride on which led to the downhill section near the pipes. Flying down the downhill as quick as I could, there was a pool of mud ahead just at the bottom of the downhill bit, so I chose my line and went for it. Front wheel sank so deep into the mud, I flew over my handlebars and into the mud I went. Pleasantly cool, looked around that no one saw me fly, I kept going, climb that hill and the next thing I could remember was the timber factory, a rubbish area, the heat and back to base camp thanking God I made it back.
All in all, thank you to Kapten Zainol and the Yaafur Cycling Club for organizing the Bash.
Reminder to Bashers:
This is what hashing is all about. Helping each other get through the ride!
*Special thanks to “the guy in the mask” that helped the struggling riders behind. Forgotten your name, but good guy and you deserves the recognition. Thanks bud!
Hares: Kapten Zainol and Yaafur Cycling Club
Depending on who you are, you would have had an opinion about the Sun after the hash yesterday. If you are Clark Kent, the Sun was great obviously, because that’s where you get your super power from. For the kwai loh, brighter is better and hey! You get a lovely tan. For the majority of Malaysians, blue skies and the star shining brightly in all his glory is appreciated and maybe revered but let’s all hide in the shade. Luckily, Kapten Zainol and his team had prepared a lovely soup of trails for the hash. A veritable mix of plantation, secondary roads and an excursion around old Batu Arang.
We started on road and riding towards the main road of BTP before turning left onto palm. Here we met the FRBs who were having some difficulty resolving the first check. I had an idea where the Hares had to take us and took the correct way down and soon heard the FRBs calling the on on. There was still some confusion as to the correct way but we just followed the herd and crossed a muddy section and rode further down the trail eventually finding paper before a ditch. There was no extra paper to be found to close the check. However, most of the riders just followed the herd and I hope no one was left behind.
The next section was a short climb on wet grass and many were pushing. Well, obviously not the FRBs as they are all strong and fit and they quickly sprinted ahead. However, a few of the scenic riders decided to give up and started pushing here. No problem. You get a nice view and blue intense skies. Lovely! Let’s push the bikes and have a chat. At the crest, a Hare was stationed at the entrance to a small palm plantation. Kiddies go straight and the rest to turn right and right again onto a short single track. The trail here was a bit slippery and wet and in one section, a soupy blend of mud and cow dung. Now, this may sound gross, but the smell of cow dung is synonymous with riding in a palm plantation and at a certain level, it gives the ride a certain flavour. Moving on….
We soon exited from palm and passed a cemetery where my fellow Chinese brethren were cleaning the graves of their ancestors and burning incense to celebrate Cheng Beng(Qingming). For the uninitiated, this is when Chinese people visit the graves or burial grounds of their ancestors. We clean the graves, offer food to our ancestors and then pray for more health, wealth and success. For more information, you can Wiki it. About a kilometre after that, another hare was stationed with bright yellow signs indicating right turn for Long and straight on for the Scenic. We continued straight on and soon arrived at the town centre where many riders were buying drinks from various stalls. After replenishing our supplies, we continued on road, passed the Chapel of St. Michael before starting a slight climb. We then had to do a short hike-a- bike where the hares had laid a nice downhill trail. Lots of fun but you had to watch the loose gravel.
We eventually exited back onto road where Long had to continue right into palm and the scenic riders turned left and then right at a substation also into a small palm section. We rode for a while in palm before going into an open area along-side huge pipes and back onto road. Here, the Long riders re-joined and a few were going hard as they sensed that this was the home stretch. It’s funny how horses and cows do the same thing. They all speed up from a walk into a trot and finally, a run as they get closer to home. Perhaps, we are all not so different after all. And perhaps humanity should stop raping the environment and causing all kinds of destruction…whoops, better stop the rant before I expose my greenie roots.
Today is a special day for me. It is the first time since setting the bash at Gerachi, KKB last year that I had the use of the roof racks on the Subaru. It’s taken that long to get the replacement racks and I have to say, thank you Mr Thule for roof racks as I am tired of packing bikes into the boot of a car. Lesson learnt from last year; always look out for hanging power cables when conducting a driven recce through a village. The cables are black, they hang low and are nearly invisible against the backdrop of a forest.
It was lots of fun at the bash and I especially enjoyed it as my son deigned to join his parents for the bash. Many thanks Kapten Zainol and Yaafur Cycling Club, Kelolo and the KLMBH for another great day in the sun.